I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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