I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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