can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
