I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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