i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
