did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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