Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
