Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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