that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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