I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
