Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
