i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
