Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
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