11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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