The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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