Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
