connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
