I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
