Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
