The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
