A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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