remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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