Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
