life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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