I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
