Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
