Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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