I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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