Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
