I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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