LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
