Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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