But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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