He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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