she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
