I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
