I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
