I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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