If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
