Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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