So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
