My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
