just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
