Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
