took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
