it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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