i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
