Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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