I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
