This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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